Love Letter For When You’re Bone-Weary of Tellling Your Kids ‘NO’
Dear Friend,
These are 5 different ways to say no… So your kids will stop tuning you out.
If you’re tired of telling your young children ‘no’ over and over (and over) again, just imagine how tired they are of hearing it.
When we continuously say ‘no’, we probably sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher from Peanuts: makes unintelligible, yet condescending monotone mumbling noises.
Which is probably why they tune out — and don’t quit whatever they’re not supposed to be doing.
That puts us all in a frustrating cycle.
Please know I’m not judging you.
Us parents of little ones have to say ‘no’ to absurd requests and unsafe actions hundreds of times a day to keep our sweet boo bears alive.
(At least it feels like hundreds. I’ve never actually counted, but now I’m curious…)
Sooooo, you will still need to say ‘no’ however many times life demands. But you can mix it up to keep yourself sane — and to match your kiddo’s intent.
When on auto-pilot, you probably toss out humorless ‘nos’ in varying shades of severity and exasperation to shut down unwanted behavior.
‘No, you cannot eat a treat before breakfast.’
‘No, you cannot wear your muddy boots inside.’
‘No! Get off of that stool — now!’
Remember, your child is not (and is not meant to be) a puppet.
While kids do need to learn right from wrong — and to be safe, it’s great for them to have a good dose of creativity. A bit of rebellion is important, too. So, don’t automatically go for the smackdown in an attempt to squash it out of them.
Get creative, upping your silliness, sassiness and drama to reduce your own crabbiness factor in these situations. The bonus side effect is your child will be more likely to listen and less likely to antagonize.
1. Get Silly
I realized that lots of times my little guy did, or suggested, things just to be cheeky or silly — like occasionally eating dinner with his hands, despite proficiency in dining with utensils. Now I match his energy with silly, singsong ‘nos’.
‘Na-na-na-na-na-na-na no!’
‘No-giddy, no-giddy, no-giddy, no.’
- Sings to the tune of ‘Row Your Boat’* ‘No, no, no, stop that. Please cut it out. That is not a good idea. It’s wrong without a doubt.
2. Get Sassy
When telling older kids ‘no’, the silliness matures slightly into sass.
‘No way, Jose!’
‘Nope!’ said glibly
- Incorrect buzzer noise* ‘Eh! No. Try again.’
- Ask Questions
3. Questions are a good way to keep things fresh. They also get your kids to reflect on acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
‘Was that helpful?’
‘Was that a good idea or a bad idea?’
‘How do you think that made [someone else] feel?’
4. Saying ‘No’… Subtly
There are also plenty of ways to say ‘no’ without saying ‘no’.
‘That is not kind.’
‘Let’s try something else.’
‘It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to throw your toys.’
And there is a more palatable version of ‘No, not now’. It’s: ‘Yes, you can do [that fun thing] after you do [this important thing].’
5. Mix It Up Con Otras Lenguas
You can even bring in other languages for dramatic effect. (Our little fellow speaks Cantonese with my husband’s family, and I’ve introduced some Spanish to him.)
‘Ay carumba, no!’ is a fun Spanish phrase.
And Chinese has a similar ‘Ai-ya’ exclamation, but it wasn’t dramatic enough for me, so I wail ‘Ai-yooooooo’ or ‘Ai-yuuuuuuu’, instead, often with my hands clutching my face.
So, stop mindlessly repeating ‘no’ to bring your child into submission.
Variety is the spice of life.
May it serve you well and preserve your sanity.
Sharing infinite love,
Ali
